Last week, O’Reilly was on his game. He was yelling for a good two hours, bashing the secular progressive enemy, of which he can name about two members. He took credit again for winning the “War on Christmas”, and has revived this obscure but nevertheless mythical event so he can march into battle and declare victory again, never mind he was never able to do so in a U.S. Military uniform while appearing to be of an age eligible to have thrown his considerable abilities into the Vietnam war. But, in days of great American heroes like Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, etc. who needs to have been in the military to understand how to fight a war.
Ultimately, when one takes the battle from the media, into the home of a private citizen, it’s time to call one out and demand accountability. Thus, Mr. O’Reilly owes Frank Funderburke of Hoboken, New Jersey (Joisey to natives) an apology and one should be demanded damned fast!
We uncovered this story while doing an investigation of upper scale homeless shelters where we lunch every Thursday because of a spicy but delightful Gazpacho in the offering or to uncover anyone feigning poor personal hygiene.
As Mr. Funderburke explains it, he had been a fan of the Factor” for years. “I liked the “no-spin-zone” approach to political discourse”, said Funderburke, where anyone in disagreement with O’Reilly was hollered at and tagged with an array of odd but insulting names. “The man is pure genius and if anyone disagrees, just ask him.”
So, as Funderburke watched from the comfort of his wheeless double-wide, his life began to become unraveled. “I had a bag of Mr. Kinkles under one arm and a beer in the other hand, the one on the other arm. As I reached into the bag for another potato chip, I was watching O’Reilly hawk some more of his paraphernalia. He’s got his books, Culture Warrior, Kids are Americans Too, he’s got his T-shirts, bumper stickers. I even became a premium member and got the underwear with the scratch-and-sniff O’Reilly skid marks. I had it all. Well, I thought I was in the club. But, while watching, I jammed a Mr. Krinkle under the finger nail of my middle finger, and I don’t know, but I think it was because of the salt that the finger started to sting.”
Funderburke continued….”O’Reilly , I usually call him Bill, was really going off on George Soros, his head was getting really big and it looked like the studio was about to explode. So, I pull this middle finger out of the bag and hold it up, right there in front of the T.V. It was an accident, it was. Had I not jammed my finger into that Mr. Krinkle, I’d still be in my living room.
Funderburke continued: “Well, I happened to glance at the T.V. Time seemed to just stand still. Bill isn’t talking and looks mad as hell. There I am flashing my throbbing middle finger at the screen. Next thing I know, the red starts to rise in Bill’s neck and his head now is the size oh a melon….not a small melon, but a water melon. Then, he sets down his notes, stands up, and walks right through the tube and into my living room. Whoever even thought that was possible?”
It was here I was starting to get just a little bit suspicious about Funderburke’s story, because I’ve never seen O’Reilly use notes. So, I took a breather and got up to fill my thermos with some extra Gazpacho. You see, soup is free at the homeless shelter and I always try to find a way to sneak some home. I’m not about to contribute to homeless obesity.
When I returned to the table, Funderburke had regained his composure and appeared to have come into a large plate of garlic bread sticks which he was cramming into his mouth like there was no tomorrow, and he was really worked into a lather. He’s waving his arms about his head and spewing chewed up garlic sticks everywhere.
“O’Reilly started bitch-slapping me all around my own place. He was screaming names at me, calling me a secular progressive and a pin-headed liberal. Then, he told me I was a Kool-Aid drinker! I don’t think he was being very fair or balanced.”
“He grabbed my brand new copy of the Hoboken Yellow Pages and began to whack me upside the head. I felt like I had let a Jehovah’s Witness into the double wide and he was knocking me about with three pound edition of the Watch Tower. There was beer everywhere and he bag of Mr. Krinkles went flying and got all ground up in the carpet with the beer and cigarette butts. I always regretted smoking after reading about what happened to the Johnsons twins. Anyway, it was here I passed out. I don’t know how long I was out and I don’t remember seeing O’Reilly leave, but a few hours later, I came to.”
“So, lying on the floor, on my back, stuck in a mix of potato chip starch, beer and ashes, the place smelled like pure hell. But, the smell could have been my 350 pound wife standing over me. She pulled her cell phone out of the crease in her obese earlobe and started screaming. I told her bout the whole O’Reilly deal. She said, ‘ I’ve had enough you miserable son-of-a-bitch’, which was actually quite a compliment because you have to be a man to be a son-of-a-bitch and she never considered me much of a man. As for O’Reilly, he won’t return any of my calls.
“That’s how I got to be homeless,” Funderburke iterated.
As for me, I don’t know whether to believe the guy or not. It all sounds fairly logical, but I have nevertheless decided that free Gazpacho is getting just a tad bit expensive for my taste. And, just o be safe, I won’t be watching any more of the “O’Reilly Factor”.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Illegal Immigration Problem Solved.
The problem which has stymied politicians for over the past 35 years has been partially solved at last. Recently, a huge public outcry put a stop to the concept of giving driver’s licenses to illegal aliens. Now, I’ve NEVER heard of any state GIVING a driver’s license to anyone. But, apparently that’s what was in the works.
Well, what has completely escaped me before was the awareness that the reason illegals came here to begin with was to drive! I had always thought it was to work, but in retrospect, it all makes sense. Some of the places they come from don’t even have roads, let alone cars.
As usual, we have only dealt with part of the problem though. If we are going to completely stop the influx of illegals, we can’t just stop them from getting driver’s licenses. We must also stop them from getting cars. So, in order to be effective, we must be willing to execute any car dealer for treason who has been known to be dealing cars to illegals. The car dealers will try to resist this probably by claiming it’s not their role to be immigration enforcement officials. I say “balderdash”. They will say it’s impossible to tell if a buyer is an American or foreigner. Well, it’s this simple…if they are overweight and drive off with one hand on the wheel and the other on a cell phone, they are Americans.
Within no time at all, we Americans will be able to gain back all the jobs that the illegals took from us. You know, the jobs we shipped to India a few years ago that the illegals then came here and took away from us. I never could figure out how that deal worked.
Well, what has completely escaped me before was the awareness that the reason illegals came here to begin with was to drive! I had always thought it was to work, but in retrospect, it all makes sense. Some of the places they come from don’t even have roads, let alone cars.
As usual, we have only dealt with part of the problem though. If we are going to completely stop the influx of illegals, we can’t just stop them from getting driver’s licenses. We must also stop them from getting cars. So, in order to be effective, we must be willing to execute any car dealer for treason who has been known to be dealing cars to illegals. The car dealers will try to resist this probably by claiming it’s not their role to be immigration enforcement officials. I say “balderdash”. They will say it’s impossible to tell if a buyer is an American or foreigner. Well, it’s this simple…if they are overweight and drive off with one hand on the wheel and the other on a cell phone, they are Americans.
Within no time at all, we Americans will be able to gain back all the jobs that the illegals took from us. You know, the jobs we shipped to India a few years ago that the illegals then came here and took away from us. I never could figure out how that deal worked.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Public Smokers are Really Getting on my Nerves!
So, I went to the doctor recently and he gave me this lung test. When I'm finished, he says it's time I take the initiative to quit spending so much on cigarettes. I told him that I've NEVER bought a cigarette, EVER! Well, he said the inications were quite clear, that I was up to two packs a day. It didn't take long to realize, I'm up to two packs a day from 2nd hand smoke. What kind of a deal is that? I'm gettin' lung disease from a bunch of stinky breaths. The doctor told me I could suffer the same fate as the Johnsons twins. I said, 'Oh, NO!"
Basically, I've always been a live and let live kind of person. But, sometimes what others decide to do while thinking it only affects them, has dire consequences for those of whom they are closest. Such it was with the Johnsons twins.
Al and Jacob Johnsons. They were Siamese twins, thus the "s" on the end of their last name. Al was a great baseball player. He played catcher and Jacob played right field.
Al was a student of the game and lived his life accordingly. Jacob, on the other hand, was a fool!
Infact, considering how they were joined, Jacob actually was kind of “on the other hand”.
Anyway, Al was in bed every night by 9:00 p.m. Jacob was out all hours of the night carousing with hookers and smoking women. Within no time at all, Jacob took up smoking himself and fell out of shape. Al continued to excel and participated in the International Special Olympics in Costa Rica one year playing two positions at the same time. He of course had to drag Jacob around the bases and such, but he was really that good.
Eventually, Jacob dropped out of the sport and became an accountant in New Jerk City. His hell-bent-for-life attitude and lethargic lifestyle resulted in his death at an early age.
Al’s performance suffered quickly due to his despair and having to drag Jacob’s corpse around like a big bag of potatoes. ( I love the word “potato.” Dan Quayle ruined his political future by telling a grade school child he had misspelled the word because the child had left an “e” off the end of it. Actually, the child was correct and Vice President Quayle was wrong....that is unless you want to put an “s” on the end of it. Then you must include the “e” first! The same does not hold true for the last name of Al and Jacob Johnsons. When you want to ad the “s”, you don’t use an “e” first. That’s because it’s their name and the rules are out on names.) So, that's it in a nuttshell. if you don't want to be a siamese twin, it's best not to smoke. Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense...I'll have to go back to the doctor and ask him what the hell he was trying to say!
Basically, I've always been a live and let live kind of person. But, sometimes what others decide to do while thinking it only affects them, has dire consequences for those of whom they are closest. Such it was with the Johnsons twins.
Al and Jacob Johnsons. They were Siamese twins, thus the "s" on the end of their last name. Al was a great baseball player. He played catcher and Jacob played right field.
Al was a student of the game and lived his life accordingly. Jacob, on the other hand, was a fool!
Infact, considering how they were joined, Jacob actually was kind of “on the other hand”.
Anyway, Al was in bed every night by 9:00 p.m. Jacob was out all hours of the night carousing with hookers and smoking women. Within no time at all, Jacob took up smoking himself and fell out of shape. Al continued to excel and participated in the International Special Olympics in Costa Rica one year playing two positions at the same time. He of course had to drag Jacob around the bases and such, but he was really that good.
Eventually, Jacob dropped out of the sport and became an accountant in New Jerk City. His hell-bent-for-life attitude and lethargic lifestyle resulted in his death at an early age.
Al’s performance suffered quickly due to his despair and having to drag Jacob’s corpse around like a big bag of potatoes. ( I love the word “potato.” Dan Quayle ruined his political future by telling a grade school child he had misspelled the word because the child had left an “e” off the end of it. Actually, the child was correct and Vice President Quayle was wrong....that is unless you want to put an “s” on the end of it. Then you must include the “e” first! The same does not hold true for the last name of Al and Jacob Johnsons. When you want to ad the “s”, you don’t use an “e” first. That’s because it’s their name and the rules are out on names.) So, that's it in a nuttshell. if you don't want to be a siamese twin, it's best not to smoke. Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense...I'll have to go back to the doctor and ask him what the hell he was trying to say!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
BILL O’REILLY RETURNS FROM AFGHANISTAN. Average I.Q. of both countries goes down. (Except in Afghanistan).
Bill has returned from a week long “on assignment”, as he likes to call it, visit. Odd, he would be “on assignment” when he is his own boss, but then he thinks he is everyone’s boss. Undoubtedly, he will be chagrinned that Christmas is not widely practiced there.
Only just last year, he declared there was a war on Christmas, and thus, Christianity. Then he started beating his drums…invited people to come on his program to debate, wherein he usually goes into a screaming rant and calls them names, like pin-head, anti-American and secular progressive (SPs). When challenged to identify them, he comes up with household names like George Soros and Tim Robbins and other highly influential people of this ilk who all hold the rope to the rings in our noses. But, HE has it figured out.
Anyway, he identifies this non-existent war wherein retail department stores instruct their employees to say stuff like “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas”, and this serves as proof there is a full frontal attack on Christmas and Christianity. Never mind that the Bible never mentions that the act of celebrating Christmas was to entail the spending of absurd amounts of money on plastic and electronic trash in order to celebrate the birth of the Savior….that’s a whole other issue, that is. In fact, Christmas isn’t even mentioned in the Bible at all.
Forgotten in all this mess is the fact that these stores exist to make a profit and rather than turning off 80% of the population with obvious insults, perhaps, JUST PERHAPS, they are trying to include the other 20% of the population made up of Jews, Muslims, Atheists….you name it…Guess that’s why O’Reilly doesn’t own any department stores.
But, what he does do is write books. Then, he hawks them endlessly on his radio show. And, he sells enough to get into the New York Times top 10 list. You can even become a PREMIUM SUBSCRIBER to his newsletter, so you can PAY to receive advertisements for his books. Now, that’s IS quite a deal isn’t it. Then, every week, at least one lobotomized listener will call to thank him for what he’s doing for the country. I want to call Bill O’Reilly and thank him for what he’s doing for Bill O’Reilly. I know he is very grateful for what he’s doing in that arena.
I turned on the car radio the other day and before I knew it, Bill’s head swelled up out of the radio so big I had to escape the car on the side of the road just to breath. Then, it blew up. I remember once Bill said that if George W. Bush wanted to save his legacy, all he needed to do was come on his program and answer some questions. Let’s see: Iraq, illegal immigration, record deficits, F.E.M.A./Katrina fiasco, etc., etc., etc.,…right Bill. All he needs to do is come on YOUR program. It’s all that simple.
Bill O’Reilly has a master’s degree from Harvard University. That goes a long way in explaining the problem with higher education in this country today.
Only just last year, he declared there was a war on Christmas, and thus, Christianity. Then he started beating his drums…invited people to come on his program to debate, wherein he usually goes into a screaming rant and calls them names, like pin-head, anti-American and secular progressive (SPs). When challenged to identify them, he comes up with household names like George Soros and Tim Robbins and other highly influential people of this ilk who all hold the rope to the rings in our noses. But, HE has it figured out.
Anyway, he identifies this non-existent war wherein retail department stores instruct their employees to say stuff like “Happy Holidays” instead of Merry Christmas”, and this serves as proof there is a full frontal attack on Christmas and Christianity. Never mind that the Bible never mentions that the act of celebrating Christmas was to entail the spending of absurd amounts of money on plastic and electronic trash in order to celebrate the birth of the Savior….that’s a whole other issue, that is. In fact, Christmas isn’t even mentioned in the Bible at all.
Forgotten in all this mess is the fact that these stores exist to make a profit and rather than turning off 80% of the population with obvious insults, perhaps, JUST PERHAPS, they are trying to include the other 20% of the population made up of Jews, Muslims, Atheists….you name it…Guess that’s why O’Reilly doesn’t own any department stores.
But, what he does do is write books. Then, he hawks them endlessly on his radio show. And, he sells enough to get into the New York Times top 10 list. You can even become a PREMIUM SUBSCRIBER to his newsletter, so you can PAY to receive advertisements for his books. Now, that’s IS quite a deal isn’t it. Then, every week, at least one lobotomized listener will call to thank him for what he’s doing for the country. I want to call Bill O’Reilly and thank him for what he’s doing for Bill O’Reilly. I know he is very grateful for what he’s doing in that arena.
I turned on the car radio the other day and before I knew it, Bill’s head swelled up out of the radio so big I had to escape the car on the side of the road just to breath. Then, it blew up. I remember once Bill said that if George W. Bush wanted to save his legacy, all he needed to do was come on his program and answer some questions. Let’s see: Iraq, illegal immigration, record deficits, F.E.M.A./Katrina fiasco, etc., etc., etc.,…right Bill. All he needs to do is come on YOUR program. It’s all that simple.
Bill O’Reilly has a master’s degree from Harvard University. That goes a long way in explaining the problem with higher education in this country today.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Investigation: FASCISM ALIVE in CHICAGO!
YES, It’s true. Before we begin, a little background is needed. In 1508, Michelangelo was commissioned by Pope Julius to paint the ceiling and other areas of the Sistine Chapel. All of the entire world has stood in awe of the results for over 600 years. Yet, had Michelangelo or the Pope, or both determined that the world could not view these works or reproductions of them, then as sole owners or representative of owners of these works on private property, they had every right to do so. But, as men, they were giants and much too big for such trivialities.
Today, in Chicago, artwork is on display in a public area, bought and paid for by citizens of Chicago by means of confiscatory taxes. Make no mistake about it. This artwork is NOT of the caliber of the works of Michelangelo, and is in fact more suitable for display in a salvage yard, but that is the nature of what we call modern art, in many cases an oxymoron.
Art throughout history has often become important not because it IS important, but because the artist had a wealthy benefactor who promoted a protégé far beyond the level that their talents would have otherwise carried them. So, for many the road to success is nothing more than the road of dumb luck. These are artists who should count their blessings on a daily basis for not being burdened in vocation with the drudgery and quiet desperation of which so many suffer
Now, along comes one Anish Kapoor, the sculptor of a piece called “Cloud Gate” which is akin to a chrome coffee bean turned rounded end up and which is set dead center in Chicago’s Millineum Square, a renovated urban setting which stuck the taxpayers to the tune of $250,000,000 (yes, million!). And that part is fine, I guess. It is cute. What is NOT cute is that the artist, or the city, or BOTH have determined there is nothing wrong with copyrighting the “view” mind you of said sculpture. And, I thought Mussolini was dead. ***@@#$!$!
http://www.glasssteelandstone.com/BuildingDetail/636.php
So, photographer/journalist and I assume citizen of Chicago, Warren Wimmer, was approached by security as he was setting up his tripod, and informed he would need to buy a permit to proceed. WHAT! Permit? What permit? HE DON’T NEED NO STINKING PERMIT. HE’s AN AMERICAN. THEY NEED TO TAKE THEIR PERMIT, SET IT ON FIRE, AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON’T EVER SHINE! And, the good citizens of Chicago should all head down to millennium Park every Saturday morning at 10:00 with their cameras of every make and kind and snap away until the policing authorities of Chicago are sent into a donut eating frenzy.
First, Mussolini made the trains run on time. Then he copyrighted air and water, then he copyrighted the “view”. Then he was pumped full of holes and erected in the town square…where anyone who wanted to took his picture!!!
Today, in Chicago, artwork is on display in a public area, bought and paid for by citizens of Chicago by means of confiscatory taxes. Make no mistake about it. This artwork is NOT of the caliber of the works of Michelangelo, and is in fact more suitable for display in a salvage yard, but that is the nature of what we call modern art, in many cases an oxymoron.
Art throughout history has often become important not because it IS important, but because the artist had a wealthy benefactor who promoted a protégé far beyond the level that their talents would have otherwise carried them. So, for many the road to success is nothing more than the road of dumb luck. These are artists who should count their blessings on a daily basis for not being burdened in vocation with the drudgery and quiet desperation of which so many suffer
Now, along comes one Anish Kapoor, the sculptor of a piece called “Cloud Gate” which is akin to a chrome coffee bean turned rounded end up and which is set dead center in Chicago’s Millineum Square, a renovated urban setting which stuck the taxpayers to the tune of $250,000,000 (yes, million!). And that part is fine, I guess. It is cute. What is NOT cute is that the artist, or the city, or BOTH have determined there is nothing wrong with copyrighting the “view” mind you of said sculpture. And, I thought Mussolini was dead. ***@@#$!$!
http://www.glasssteelandstone.com/BuildingDetail/636.php
So, photographer/journalist and I assume citizen of Chicago, Warren Wimmer, was approached by security as he was setting up his tripod, and informed he would need to buy a permit to proceed. WHAT! Permit? What permit? HE DON’T NEED NO STINKING PERMIT. HE’s AN AMERICAN. THEY NEED TO TAKE THEIR PERMIT, SET IT ON FIRE, AND STICK IT WHERE THE SUN DON’T EVER SHINE! And, the good citizens of Chicago should all head down to millennium Park every Saturday morning at 10:00 with their cameras of every make and kind and snap away until the policing authorities of Chicago are sent into a donut eating frenzy.
First, Mussolini made the trains run on time. Then he copyrighted air and water, then he copyrighted the “view”. Then he was pumped full of holes and erected in the town square…where anyone who wanted to took his picture!!!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Homeless People are Really Starting to Irritate Me!
Well, it's true. This is a big scam. First of all, let me say there are a certain number of veterans who have become homeless. But, you can tell them from the fakers and it's not them who irritate me. What irritates me is the yuppie homeless guys. Yup! they 're the ones who used to be stockbrokers and Amway salemen who decided there is more money in staring me down under the bridge and squirting dirty water on the window so I can pay them to clean it off....probably with their old Amway crap..
I'm going home from work...WORK...and there's this guy at the stoplight, under the bridge. He's looking at me, I'm looking at him. He's looking at me, I'm looking at him. Then, He's starting to come over to my truck and he has one of those stupid signs on cardbord that you cannot read until he's right there! The sign says," WILL WORK WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER. GIVE ME SOME MONEY!".
So, I'm thinkin', there are over 14,000,000 million illegal aliens in this country who look and sound different than us and they came in and took all the jobs we shipped over to India a couple years ago. Funny thing. The same people who bitched that we shipped all our jobs to India are the same people who say the Mexicans came and took all the jobs away from Americans. How does that deal work? So, if they can get jobs, why does this knucklehead think he can wait till hell freezes over? And, why does he think I should give him my money?
So, just about the time he gets to my truck, I roll down the window and pretend I'm going to hand him money. When he gets just close enough, I say,"BUENOS DIAS! you Amway bastard!"
I'm going home from work...WORK...and there's this guy at the stoplight, under the bridge. He's looking at me, I'm looking at him. He's looking at me, I'm looking at him. Then, He's starting to come over to my truck and he has one of those stupid signs on cardbord that you cannot read until he's right there! The sign says," WILL WORK WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER. GIVE ME SOME MONEY!".
So, I'm thinkin', there are over 14,000,000 million illegal aliens in this country who look and sound different than us and they came in and took all the jobs we shipped over to India a couple years ago. Funny thing. The same people who bitched that we shipped all our jobs to India are the same people who say the Mexicans came and took all the jobs away from Americans. How does that deal work? So, if they can get jobs, why does this knucklehead think he can wait till hell freezes over? And, why does he think I should give him my money?
So, just about the time he gets to my truck, I roll down the window and pretend I'm going to hand him money. When he gets just close enough, I say,"BUENOS DIAS! you Amway bastard!"
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I'm Really Getting Irritated
It seems the world is now overrun with very large women on cell phones who have nothing better to do than screw everything up. Only recently, I was at a WalMart trying to make my way down the isle to get some adult vitamins and was BLOCKED by a waddler on a cell phone who had nothing to do but explain a very uneventful life to the person on the other end of the line..."I'm at WalMart now but in a few minutes, I'm heading over to K-Mart and I'll call you again then."
Whew! I realized I was about to miss something BIG and it was probably her getting into her car and watching it tip over.
It seems there's no end to it. The worst was when I took my wife to the doctor. That's where I learned NEVER to hire fat women!
So, I'm waiting for my wife to have a cast removed from her arm. There's this really fat woman who comes in and soon begins to have a fat woman's conversation. At first, I thought it was the receptionist talking to a medical records person or something like that. But, it turns out the fat woman is on a cell phone speaking really loudly to the person on the other end of the call. She's wanting to be sure that they can receive a computer interface with the doctor's office so that her Workman's Compensation claim can be efficiently processed. She had hurt her arm falling up the steps at work. It seems she had another Workman's Compensation claim a year or two before for another reason and the computer interface method had worked well and efficiently for her then. It seems so odd that she'd have yet again another Workman's Compensation claim and had figured out how to efficiently facilitate the receipt of said benefits. It works like this: Be a fat woman and fall down, then someone will pay you for it. You have to think outside the box though. You need to learn that talking on the cell phone loudly in public places is as important as talking on the thing when making left turns into the face of oncoming traffic. Don't hire fat white women with cell phones or you'll go broke.
Whew! I realized I was about to miss something BIG and it was probably her getting into her car and watching it tip over.
It seems there's no end to it. The worst was when I took my wife to the doctor. That's where I learned NEVER to hire fat women!
So, I'm waiting for my wife to have a cast removed from her arm. There's this really fat woman who comes in and soon begins to have a fat woman's conversation. At first, I thought it was the receptionist talking to a medical records person or something like that. But, it turns out the fat woman is on a cell phone speaking really loudly to the person on the other end of the call. She's wanting to be sure that they can receive a computer interface with the doctor's office so that her Workman's Compensation claim can be efficiently processed. She had hurt her arm falling up the steps at work. It seems she had another Workman's Compensation claim a year or two before for another reason and the computer interface method had worked well and efficiently for her then. It seems so odd that she'd have yet again another Workman's Compensation claim and had figured out how to efficiently facilitate the receipt of said benefits. It works like this: Be a fat woman and fall down, then someone will pay you for it. You have to think outside the box though. You need to learn that talking on the cell phone loudly in public places is as important as talking on the thing when making left turns into the face of oncoming traffic. Don't hire fat white women with cell phones or you'll go broke.
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