An anonymous friend of mine named Norbert was recently confined to Lawrence Memorial Hospital in a semi-private room. Much to his dismay, he spent a week in that room next to a homeless man (or so he claimed) who after a few days began to open up about his personal life. The weather had become much colder and the guy figured out that he could feign some soft tissue injuries which were really hard to diagnose, pretended not to walk, and act desperate. He was admitted to the hospital for observation and had extended the stay to four days.
He further iterated to Norbert, my unnamed friend, that he had pulled such stunts before, having chosen in the past to spend time in jail. By his own admission, he found the experience to have been worse because the host of characters occupying space with him, many homeless themselves, did not live up to his social standards. So, he developed his hospital stunt. By the end of the 4th day, he had become quite a nuisance to Norbert who had decided to turn the guy in to the hospital officials. Norbert had been paying over $400/month for his family health insurance coverage. The weather had improved and the homeless man said the only reason he was now staying was because of the women (nurses I assume) which were nowhere to be seen in jail.
The problem compounded itself when Norbert relayed this scam to officials who were quite skeptical of his story. Norbert had been admitted to the hospital after suffering a large gash near his left eye which he had explained to the admitting desk was the result of being shot by a Macadamia nut or something of a similar nature which he assumed had been fired from a spud gun by a bunch of West Lawrence hooligans.
A spud gun was a prankster’s weapon made from a tube of PVC piping, several feet long and sealed off at one end. A small hole was drilled into the sealed off end so that the prankster could spray the flammable contents of a common aerosol can into the tube. A potato was dropped into the open end and a match touched to the hole in the capped end. This caused an explosion within the tube which resulted in the tube becoming a cannon and the potato serving as the projectile. A good cannon could launch said potato several hundred feet at a high velocity. Norbert had stumbled upon the cannon, a pile of matches and a bag of Macadamia nuts while looking for wild Morels. Apparently, the hooligans had run off to the store for more aerosol and left the rest of their equipment in the field which Norbert was in the process of crossing.
So, a little while later, Norbert claims he was bending down to pick up a Morel when he was bitch-slapped upside his eyebrow by a hard woody object. He heard a loud bang and then lost consciousness. When he awoke, he was disoriented and found to be walking from the field with all the coordination of a sailor just returning from a thirty day R & R sabbatical in Bangkok. He was rushed to the hospital by authorities who had responded to a 911 call from concerned neighbors who complained there appeared to be an injured sailor in the neighborhood.
Well, these geniuses at the hospital told the police who later came to take a report that they discerned that Norbert's story was indeed a fabrication because Morels were out of season. As long as I have known Norbert, I have never known him to be a hunter of mushrooms. He probably doesn't know what the season is. Anyway, the police gave his story no credence at all and upon Norbert's complaining about the homeless guy, the hospital officials decided to kick Norbert out. Whatever did really happen, it was clear that Norbert had nearly lost his eye. Nobody could ever really figure out if the homeless guy was ill, injured or what. For all we know he was only there for the women.
To this day, Norbert has little good to say about the homeless. I cannot totally disagree with him, although I try not to paint with too broad a brush. One thing I am certain of is that homelessness probably cuts into ones dating big time. So, what looks like a remarkably attractive lifestyle with all the handouts and booze can really have a major drawback in another area and people should consider this before deciding to become homeless.
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Well I think that Norbert guy is a wimp! He don't no how to handle this homeless jerk no good at all. I had an amigo who once got hastled by some smelly homeless guy what use to hang out at the libary and stink up the old ladies all the time. Every day he did. So, my friend is like trying to do his homework cause he went to college and this guy comes in and pretty soon the whole libary stinks and all the lod libary ladies they don't know where to start. So, my frind tells the homeless guy he stinks. Tells him to leave and take a bath or don't come back no more. Well, the homeless guy is a pretty tough dude. Lives on the streets every night and then stinks up the libary every day so he don't take no crap off my friend who's no macho man. But, my friend goes to college and fights with his brain. So, he dresses up to look like the homeless guy and then goes to the Army recruiter. He signs up and uses the homeless guy's name. He does the whole physical and gives them his pee and everything and passes. He esplains to the Army guy that he joined because he's out of work. No job. Spends his night on the street and days in the libary stinking up the whole place and the old ladies. He says he can always be found at the libary. The Army says it don't matter and take him in. Then when the day comes for him to show up to serve, he don't show up. The Army sends the MPs down to the libary and grab the smelly homeless guy and put him in the brig after they whack him around a bit. That's it for the homeless guy cause my friend used his smarts. Your friend Norbert is a dummy.
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