So, I went to the doctor recently and he gave me this lung test. When I'm finished, he says it's time I take the initiative to quit spending so much on cigarettes. I told him that I've NEVER bought a cigarette, EVER! Well, he said the inications were quite clear, that I was up to two packs a day. It didn't take long to realize, I'm up to two packs a day from 2nd hand smoke. What kind of a deal is that? I'm gettin' lung disease from a bunch of stinky breaths. The doctor told me I could suffer the same fate as the Johnsons twins. I said, 'Oh, NO!"
Basically, I've always been a live and let live kind of person. But, sometimes what others decide to do while thinking it only affects them, has dire consequences for those of whom they are closest. Such it was with the Johnsons twins.
Al and Jacob Johnsons. They were Siamese twins, thus the "s" on the end of their last name. Al was a great baseball player. He played catcher and Jacob played right field.
Al was a student of the game and lived his life accordingly. Jacob, on the other hand, was a fool!
Infact, considering how they were joined, Jacob actually was kind of “on the other hand”.
Anyway, Al was in bed every night by 9:00 p.m. Jacob was out all hours of the night carousing with hookers and smoking women. Within no time at all, Jacob took up smoking himself and fell out of shape. Al continued to excel and participated in the International Special Olympics in Costa Rica one year playing two positions at the same time. He of course had to drag Jacob around the bases and such, but he was really that good.
Eventually, Jacob dropped out of the sport and became an accountant in New Jerk City. His hell-bent-for-life attitude and lethargic lifestyle resulted in his death at an early age.
Al’s performance suffered quickly due to his despair and having to drag Jacob’s corpse around like a big bag of potatoes. ( I love the word “potato.” Dan Quayle ruined his political future by telling a grade school child he had misspelled the word because the child had left an “e” off the end of it. Actually, the child was correct and Vice President Quayle was wrong....that is unless you want to put an “s” on the end of it. Then you must include the “e” first! The same does not hold true for the last name of Al and Jacob Johnsons. When you want to ad the “s”, you don’t use an “e” first. That’s because it’s their name and the rules are out on names.) So, that's it in a nuttshell. if you don't want to be a siamese twin, it's best not to smoke. Wait a minute! That doesn't make any sense...I'll have to go back to the doctor and ask him what the hell he was trying to say!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
While we are on the subject of smoking - hey how about the girl in India who was born with four arms and four legs? They said it was a siamese twin she had incorporated into her body. How dare!! Anyhoo, the Indians thought she must be the goddess shiva reincarcerated. Some of the Indians could have been mad that the doctors cut out the legs and arms that weren't supposed to be there. How do you suppose they knew which ones were supposed to be there and which ones weren't? Are they like scientists or something? Well, it's probably a good thing elephants don't do the nasty thing with humans, and vice versa, because those Indians have them a god that is a human body with a big old elephant head. That would be a disaster. The head would be saying "I am going to eat me a big old bale of hay" and the stomach would be saying "You are going to bust me wide open if you eat that much, and I don't like hay!" That's what I think about smoking.
A sort of friend of mine in college, more of an acquaintance really, told me he always tried to date girls who smoke, even though he didn't, because they fixate - oh wait, I'm sorry, this is a family blog. How embarrassing!
Always heard that Murphy Brown was a second hand smoker as well as huge Potato O'brien fan. I always assumed that Quail, in all his wisdom, mixed the 2 up...the desire for potatoes ( with an e) and the addiction to second hand smoke. At any rate, it's good to hear that ball playing Siamese Twins are still alive and well. There are several Twins working on my new IST pods, so, I assume they can play catch as well.
Hey Tony...I think you were probably born with weak lungs. I smoke and I do not have no stinkin' lung cancer. Looks like you drew a short straw. Weenie boy.
Hey, Wod! What's an IST anyway? Sounds like something you catch in the john...
Such insight! Brilliant! This posting is definitely in one of the top ten you have ever posted to this blog. You had obviously been injecting Meth directly into your forehead when you wrote it.
Hey, Arvin! If you want sports information, go back and read my entry on smoking and the Johnsons twins. It doesn't get anymore "sports" than that. And, I might say, it's about real human beings and not a bunch of steroid pumped fakers like we see on the tube today. Read, Arvin! Read!
You’re really starting to give androgynous Scandinavian Baptists a bad name, aren’t you Toeboy? Well in case you haven’t guessed yet, aliens are the back bone of this fine nation of ours. Why, we all have ancestors who were, (get THIS Toeboy), at one time ALIENS! Except maybe you, maybe your ancestors were raised in some kinda lab dish? What a rube, get a clue. We know you’re just trying to create some kind of rallying point for your ultra-centrist buddies. Well you can take your designer combat boot wearing, catfish eating friends and hit the road. We like our baloney on white bread sandwich’s with a lot of salsa on them in this country buster!
Post a Comment